How Do You Move On?

     Lord Jesus, I reach out to You. I stretch out my hand and I ask You to take my hand in Yours. I ask You to show me how and enable me to walk with You. During the times that I am unable to walk, I ask You to patiently sit with me or simply carry me. I need You. I make the declaration that “I will never turn away from You.” Now, I ask You, please make it so. In my own strength I cannot make my own words true. I need You. I know that You are good. I know that my future in You is good. I know that my destination is The Father. I know that my glorious wife, Yvonne, is in His Presence now and that I will see her again in due time. That is good, very good. Until then....what will my life be? Only You know and You are good; my future is good.

   After Yvonne's funeral, time passed so slowly. It still does, but amazingly, it does pass. During a time like that, however, all I could do was to tell the Lord what I just said, “Please carry me.” He did; He is so faithful, so understanding. After the memorial service in North Carolina, my prayer became, “Lord, what do I do now? Where do I go from here?” I knew the short term answer for the “where”. That was in Kamloops, British Columbia. I had already made plans to go there for ministry from the body of believers in Jesus who meet at the Kamloops Vineyard Church. It was to be a time of just rest while receiving from Jesus through His conduits who are His Lovers, those people who have His compassion and who desire to let His love flow through them to whomever will stand in the flow of His river of love.

    And so I went to Kamloops and positioned myself before the Lord my Healer. I was not disappointed! Oh my! I was not disappointed in the least! Our Lord has a beautiful heart for the hurting, for those who have a bruised, battered and broken spirit as mine was (He told me that was the case for me). My healing began the day that I arrived in Kamloops during a conversation that I had with Eric McCooeye, the leader of the home group that I would be hanging out with for most of the month of June. He briefly talked, in simple conversation, of lamentation, which is the turning of the one who is hurting to the Lord in simple trust. Lamentation is turning to the Lord and honestly pouring out the contents of a hurting heart; it is a sacrifice of praise to Him when there is intense emotional pain, overwhelming questions, anger, bewilderment, and so many other things that you don't know what to do with. Lamentation is a praise and honour to the Lord that can only be given to the Lord while on earth; there will be no circumstance in heaven that would prompt or give occasion or reason to lament.

   That conversation occurred during a drive up to McQueen Lake. We were going to a weekend retreat the home group was hosting. That very night I had an amazing, very quiet, encounter with the Lord which would be the first of numerous times of prophetic ministry during the next month.

    May I tell you about it? I am aware that I can tend to get long in my updates. However, I would like to give you an idea of what the Lord and His people did for me. Maybe, (if you like me!) you will take time to give Jesus praise and pray a blessing on His people who treated me in this way if you know what happened.

    That evening we had a time of praise, worship, prayer for everyone who wanted it (virtually all did!) and some testimonies. For me the time of worship and singing was an alone time. I had just gotten to Kamloops that day. I didn't know anyone very well although I had met Eric and a couple of the other people back in Ontario a couple of years before. I had buried my wife just 6 weeks ago. So lonely. I sat there and then knelt on the concrete floor. I was holding my hands out in front of me to the Lord. Tears streamed down my face and dripped on the floor. Oh, Jesus.

    Then, a young woman seated in my row to my right slid over to me. She remained seated, leaned forward and put her head on my right shoulder. She put her arm around my back and left shoulder. She didn't say anything, just leaned over to me. Then, a young woman seated in front of me turned around and took my right hand in hers. She just held my hand and began to pray in the Spirit. She didn't say anything to me, just prayed without understanding. Next, a woman seated next to her and in front of me turned around and reaching out, placed her hand on my chest near my heart. She didn't say anything either.

    None of them spoke to me. None of them had ever met me before. None of them knew anything about me; they didn't know my story or why I was there. They didn't ask questions. From my perspective they were young, attractive women who didn't know this man or anything about him. The only thing they knew was that the Love of Jesus moved them. They felt His compassion. They had a desire to obey His Spirit and they did.

    The only reason that I mention that they were young and attractive is that the Lord was showing me something here as well. I have always heard and have been taught that a person must be very careful in cross-gender ministry, and rightly so; again, rightly so. I absolutely believe that and have always been careful about that. Purity is a must and those situations must be guarded. But here I was having just lost my wife. I was lonely, hurting and somewhat vulnerable. Even so, I was very aware that their hearts were pure. I had no feeling other than I knew they were moved by compassion and released the love of Jesus to a hurting man. I don't even know if they knew I was a believer or just assumed so in that setting. This was also a very public setting and was a safe place.

    I am not trying to establish a precedent for anything here. I am not saying that we need to let our guards down or change anything. I just found something that, to me, was profound. I was so aware of Love. It was so healing to know that they were simply living the scripture, “love one another.” In the next weeks I was the recipient of many hugs from numerous women. This was during a time when I was so painfully aware of the lack of the comforting and delightful hugs from my wife who was always so free with her hugs and kisses to me. In a pure way, these women were ministering to my masculine soul?, spirit?, heart?, something that I was in great need of: a pure, feminine hug. What a blessing they were to me, my sisters in the Lord.

    As we simply sat there in silence, I was so aware of peace. I was so aware of comfort and compassion. I could even feel the compassion being poured out over my entire being. It was a very quiet and gentle time of healing but very powerful. My healing had begun. Even now as I think and write about it, the tears flow again. I pray I will never forget how the Lord poured out His Love over me through His people.

    About a month later as I related this experience to a pastor in Oregon, he looked at me and smiled. He said, “Yeah, that was the gift of prophetic ministry to you. The one lady held your hand to minister strength, the one lady placed her hand on your heart to minister encouragement to you and the other lady placed her head on your shoulder and her arm around your shoulders to minister comfort to you. That is part of what I Corinthians 14:2 is talking about.” He was right; that is exactly what happened. And that was the beginning of the wonderful ministry that I received during that amazing month.

    In the time that I was in Kamloops I was also the recipient of much ministry from the men, my brothers in the Lord. They also were focused on being men who were moved by the Holy Spirit and would speak and act accordingly. One of the ways that I was ministered to was very enjoyable. One of the men was, as the saying goes, “a man's man.” He was a predator hunter in his spare time. There was a sheep ranch a couple of hours away, up in the mountains. He had grown up there and had a personal interest in the safety of the sheep and the well-being of the family.

    A couple of times he invited me to go along with him to that area. He would put his .338 Win. Mag. and a 45/70 behind the seat of his Dodge Ram 4x4, stick shift, Cummins turbo diesel pickup, put a chainsaw and some safety gear and tools in the bed and off we would go on the logging roads keeping an eye out for wolves and bears. (A 45/70 is a good rifle to have in your hands if a grizzly is charging). We would stop at the store, top off the fuel tank, buy some snacks (don't tell his wife the quality of snacks!) and head for the mountains; a couple of men out for the day in the wilds of BC, (you know the grunt you could insert here). I found this to be very healing as well; it had been a long time since I had done anything like that.

    I had a deep desire and need to be in the mountains. For the last six months or so I had been totally focused on caring for Yvonne. All I had known during that time was the inside of the house, giving comfort and personal care for her at home and then in the hospital. After that was the funeral and intense sorrow. I was very willing to do that for her; I counted it a privilege from the Lord to be able to do that for her. But now I wanted very much, almost desperately, to get up someplace high, someplace where I could look out and see for miles. We found some of those places; I would just sit and look. Thank you, Lord. As we drove and bounced along those rough roads, we talked. We talked about Yvonne's death, we talked about his childhood in that area, we talked about the church in Kamloops, we talked about the turbo on his truck that needed a bigger inter-cooler, we talked about a lot of things. Sometimes the Lord's healing comes through non-religious conversation.
Sometimes, as we drove, he would look at me and begin to prophesy. He would offer his thoughts to me as being prompted by the Lord; sometimes we weren't sure the source of the words and sometimes we knew: the Lord had spoken and it was very encouraging. It is always wonderful to know that the Lord loves His people and still speaks to us in various ways. That was, and continues to be, very healing to know Jesus is right beside me and understands perfectly my thoughts, feelings and motives for decisions that I want Him to make for me. Hmm. By the way, you can't pull the wool over His eyes. How can you when He never sleeps?
     The first and main question that I had before the Lord was concerning my future. Although I continue to have many questions concerning Yvonne's death and the events leading up to it, the main thing on my mind was, “Lord, where do I go?” As the days passed in Kamloops, as I experienced over and over the loving ministry of the Body of Christ, it became pretty easy to begin thinking and wishing that the Lord would lead me to move to Kamloops. After all, it's pretty wonderful here. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the people are focused on me, etc. (I trust you heard the tongue in cheek just now).
    My enquiry of the Lord also was about my involvement with First Nations Restoration Centre where Yvonne and I had ministered together under the leadership of our wonderful friends Maurice and Louise Chisel. Yvonne and I had been, among other things, the host couple at the Centre. Now she's gone and it's pretty hard to be a host couple by yourself. Obviously, my role had changed. But where do I go? What do I do? Is my involvement with the Centre over? I also noticed that my focus, and my desire to remain focused on Ontario was waning. Lord, what are you doing? Is this me or You? Are You moving me or am I running from the painful memories that I associate with the Centre? Why am I thinking about Kamloops? Is it because the only experiences that I have there are good, pleasant, even wonderful and with no pain? I became aware that I had very little interest in remaining in the area of Northwestern Ontario.
    This awareness bothered me a great deal. If I would leave NW Ontario, what about my friends here? What about the people and the work that had been on the Lord's heart when He led us to this area? By the way, just what was on the Lord's heart for us when He brought us out of darkness into His marvelous light? What was He thinking when He led us from North Carolina to Pennsylvania? Why did He bring us from Pennsylvania to NW Ontario? Why would I think that I had reached my ultimate earthly destination in NW ON when there had been so much unfinished work in every place that I have ever been led away from? Is “the work” the bottom line for what He does in our lives and asks us to do for Him? Just wondering.
    During this time of receiving healing for my spirit, heart and soul, I have been staying very close to the Lord. I praise the Lord Jesus for His grace that has kept me from anger or hopelessness that could cause me to choose to quit my walk with Him. As devastating as Yvonne's death was to me, the questions I have because of the apparent failure of God to keep His word to us (you may not be aware of that part of our story), the many questions that even come because of the visions that were given to us in her hospital room that could bring us to doubt the Lord's motives toward us, these things brought the potential of anger and bitterness against God more than anything else. Please notice, be very aware that I said “potential of anger” and not the reality of the presence of anger.
I am not angry at God.
    No, I do not understand very many things about Him. When I compare what I am convinced that I know about Him to how big and infinite He is, then no, I don't know much. But I do know that He is Good. He is Love. He is Faithful and True. He is Worthy of all that I can bring Him with my little life. He loved my little life so much that He gave His great life to redeem mine. I know these things and more about my God. I refuse to leave what I know simply because there are some things that I do not know or understand. How little is my life anyway, when I am created in His image?
Now, back to my story.
    As I said, the main questions before me were, “where do I go” and “what do I do”? I also had mentioned that I had purposed to remain close to the Lord and to keep my spirit in tune with His Spirit; to remain in His presence with an alert heart and mind so that I may hear His voice. In this time, I have been almost desperately listening for Him. After going through this, I do not want to miss Him. I know that He is very capable to speak in such a way that I will not even be able to miss it but I find myself very attentive, to say the least.
    I constantly positioned myself to hear from Him. By this I mean that I spent time in His Word, I would talk not just to Him but spend time listening for His voice. I spent time with people who were of like mind as myself; people who were tuned into Him so that they could pass on a message from the Lord to whomever He would speak, in this case, me. And so I attended a prophetic conference in Langley, BC. While there, I signed up for a personal ministry time in which I sat down with seven people whose focus and goal was to listen to Holy Spirit on behalf of myself. The conviction of each person there was that the Lord loves to speak to His people and if we will listen expectantly, He will be delighted to honour our desire to be with Him and hear Him.
    One of the people said this: “I see a sailors hat. Your are standing on the deck of a ship with a telescope. Jesus is standing behind you with His hand on your shoulder. He is showing you where to look in a revelatory way. He is showing you and directing you to new lands. You are charting a new course. He is right with you.”
    Later, I was thinking and praying about this and the other “words” that were given to me in that fifteen minute prayer time. (I actually have pages and pages of them in my journal. I love hearing from the Lord in this way)! As I was praying for the Lord's confirmation or clarification, I was wondering if the “new lands” that were referred to were literally new lands as in a new location or new lands as in a new focus of ministry that would be new for me. Then, I heard the Lord say to me directly: “This new land is not in Red Lake. Come west. Start in Kamloops and go from there.”
So, what would you do with that? What would you do with the two other times that I heard Him speak that were just as specific as this one? It really is not very often that I hear Him speak that specifically. When He does, it tends to get my attention. Couple that with the fact that Yvonne and I had been feeling that we would be moving back to Red Lake in the near future and minister from there but this answers that question as well.
   There is one other “word” that I would like to relate. I have mentioned that I didn't have a desire to remain in NW ON any longer. I didn't know why. I have no doubt that the Lord could bring such a deep healing to me that I could even stay at the Centre in some capacity and minister there in spite of the memories. He is able and I don't want to limit His grace and power to me. However, I didn't want to stay there. Was I running away from the pain? Then, one morning I was talking to the Lord and I said to Him, “Lord, I don't want to go back to Kejick Bay. Am I resisting Your healing and Your plan for me?” Then He replied, “No. My Presence for you is gone from there. I want you to come to Kamloops.” Then I asked Him, ”What do you have for me to do in Kamloops?” His answer was, “Your work will appear to be varied but you are a specific weapon in My hand.”
    Last week I went back to Kamloops for a few days from Oregon where I have been with three of my daughters for the month of July. My purpose for the trip was to talk with the church leadership in order to see if they would feel the same as what I have been feeling. I met with them, talked with various individuals, spent time in prayer, examined the desires, dreams, the direction of my heart. And the conclusion of all this is, yes, I believe the Lord is leading me to move to Kamloops, British Columbia. The people that I have talked to as well as the leadership of the church are very excited about my joining them.
    The first people that I called and told about what I felt the Lord doing in moving me to a new location was Maurice and Louise. I told them what I was experiencing and what was in my heart. They were very supportive; very wonderful as I was sure they would be. They beautifully released me to follow the Lord's leading for my life. They prayed for me and blessed me. They are completely leaning on the Lord during this time as well. They lost a wonderful friend in Yvonne and are hurting as they receive His healing. They have so many questions as do I. They too prayed, wept, and trusted the Lord for Yvonne. And now they hurt but continue to look to the Lord. What's next for them? They have been so faithful to the Lord over the years as they experienced the fulfilment of the vision of the Centre that the Lord had given them. Now that has changed. What would the Lord do for them? Please pray for them as well.
   So, now what? I plan to arrive back at Kejick Bay on August 14 and begin packing. I will arrive in Kamloops sometime in the last week of August. I don't know yet whether I will use a moving company or rent a U-Haul. Renting a U-Haul will cost around $5000.00 with fuel and taxes; I haven't yet heard back from the moving company with their price. I suspect I will rent a U-Haul truck and trailer for my vehicle.
   Now, here is something that I wonder about. When the Lord moved my family and I to NW ON back in 1996, it was for a specific work located in Stormer Lake. The focus was for the First Nations people of NW Ontario. That location is changing and maybe the focus as well. Certainly, the focus is expanding. The work that I will be involved in has not been specified and I believe that I also will be doing more travelling as I minister in whatever capacity the Lord has prepared me for. But I don't really know what that will be.
   My question for you as my supporters in prayer and finances is, what would the Lord have you do? I don't know if there will be any income from any other source or work that I will do. I do know that my expenses will increase, perhaps dramatically. I will need to rent a house or apartment, which will probably be around $1000.00/month, which is an expense that I don't have at this time. I would love for the Lord to provide a place for a small workshop for my woodworking tools which I haven't been able to use very much since Stormer. Maybe I'll have to sell the tools, I don't know. I'm just not sure what is yet to come.
   I know that the church leadership in Kamloops are very supportive and are seeking the Lord for His direction and are brainstorming ideas for ministry opportunities, especially toward men who want to be mentored in life skills and who also may be interested in learning more of God and walking with Him. This is something that I would like to be involved with. I also believe that my involvement with ministry to or with Native people is not over. I don't know just what it will look like but there is still something there in my heart for the Native people.
   What I am asking you to do, as I know you have done numerous times before, is to simply ask the Lord for His direction. What would He have you to do? As there are changes occurring in my work and location; as this may not be what you feel in your heart that you want to support, I want you to know that I release you to do and support whatever else the Lord has placed in your heart. I know and declare that the Lord, He is God, and we are His people. Lord Jesus will build His Kingdom and He has graciously invited each of us to join Him in that work in various ways.
I certainly am not saying that I no longer need your prayers and financial support. I actually am going to need to expand my support base somehow. What I don't want is for anyone to feel “stuck” in supporting me. I trust Holy Spirit to lead and speak to each of us in our own involvement in the Kingdom.
   May the Lord bless you. May the Peace of God be upon you. May His glorious Presence fill your entire being. May His Provision be abundant to you for whatever needs you have, and I know they are many. He is Lord and He is Good, so Good. Praise His wonderful Name. I know my Heavenly Father loves me.


In His Grace,
Marvin